I know...
“Will you write to me? I will still be available on mail. I am not really going away you know. I am going to be around.”
“Yes, technology, isn’t that what they call it? That’s what you will use to still be around.”
Anjali could not pretend she didn’t grasp the hint of sarcasm. It was painful for him. It was painful for her too. But no one will understand that.
“You have to promise me you will take care of yourself”, the emptiness engulfed her. She could not say anything more. What could she tell him? How much he meant to her? How much she wanted to remain, to wrench herself away from the life that beckoned?
The laughter they shared when they talked about everything and about nothing. Yes, it was his laughter more than anything else that she would miss. Or maybe it would be his voice. The voice that lifted her spirits, made her believe in herself, encouraged her.
The voice that calmed Ma when she was hysterical.
But she could not find those words. Every word seemed empty as if by expressing her feelings she was robbing those words of what they mean, what they stand for. She wanted to stop herself. She wanted to be quiet. Silence would preserve what they had.
“And you should take care of Ma”
She had said it. Now there was no going back. She wanted to hold his hands one last time look into his eyes and ask why. She wanted an answer before she left, probably forever.
She could not believe she was quitting. She never was a quitter but she had to. The dilemma killed her. She did not want to make this decision but she had to, she had been forced to. In a sense she wanted to.
“It was not my fault you know”
“I know”
“I know too, Anju, I know too…and maybe that’s the whole problem.”
She looked into his tired eyes. Eyes that spoke of a lifetime of understanding, suffering, regretting, pain, loss.
She did not want to be so inhuman. She wanted to just flee. But she knew she could not. She knew she had started it. She had to hear it before she left. And she wanted to know. She wanted to know why. She wanted to know how he could have done what she knew he had, she suspected but still hoped he had not.
“I was just talking to her. Telling her how important this was for me. She would not listen to me, Anju. She would just not listen to me. She screamed at me. She was unreasonable.”
He broke down. He sat down on the couch, the palms of his hand holding his eyes, shielding those tears…she panicked. She had never seen him so emotional about Ma. She wanted to hold his hands, she wanted to wipe away his tears, tell him she understood him. But she could not bring herself to. Then she heard Ma’s screams.
10 long years Ma had suffered because of him. And today, Anjali wanted to know why.
She waited and watched as he wiped away those tears. He knew it was his judgment day too. He sat erect. And he started speaking. She listened as he spoke. In the same calm, placid manner as always…the tone he used when he introduced her to the wonders of the English language. He was choking with emotion, he broke down in between but she remained calm, listening to those words she always knew would come one day. And here when she was listening to them, she felt like she was not a part of the story. Here she was just an observer. It was a man redeeming himself. Absolving himself of the crime he knew he had committed. And the long torturous punishment he had endured. This was his day of deliverance.
He stopped, lifting his head to look at her with those eyes she had seen only strength in. She could see the pain now and the relief.
“I really loved your mother, Anju, I really did”
She walked out of the door, softly, never to return.
“Yes, technology, isn’t that what they call it? That’s what you will use to still be around.”
Anjali could not pretend she didn’t grasp the hint of sarcasm. It was painful for him. It was painful for her too. But no one will understand that.
“You have to promise me you will take care of yourself”, the emptiness engulfed her. She could not say anything more. What could she tell him? How much he meant to her? How much she wanted to remain, to wrench herself away from the life that beckoned?
The laughter they shared when they talked about everything and about nothing. Yes, it was his laughter more than anything else that she would miss. Or maybe it would be his voice. The voice that lifted her spirits, made her believe in herself, encouraged her.
The voice that calmed Ma when she was hysterical.
But she could not find those words. Every word seemed empty as if by expressing her feelings she was robbing those words of what they mean, what they stand for. She wanted to stop herself. She wanted to be quiet. Silence would preserve what they had.
“And you should take care of Ma”
She had said it. Now there was no going back. She wanted to hold his hands one last time look into his eyes and ask why. She wanted an answer before she left, probably forever.
She could not believe she was quitting. She never was a quitter but she had to. The dilemma killed her. She did not want to make this decision but she had to, she had been forced to. In a sense she wanted to.
“It was not my fault you know”
“I know”
“I know too, Anju, I know too…and maybe that’s the whole problem.”
She looked into his tired eyes. Eyes that spoke of a lifetime of understanding, suffering, regretting, pain, loss.
She did not want to be so inhuman. She wanted to just flee. But she knew she could not. She knew she had started it. She had to hear it before she left. And she wanted to know. She wanted to know why. She wanted to know how he could have done what she knew he had, she suspected but still hoped he had not.
“I was just talking to her. Telling her how important this was for me. She would not listen to me, Anju. She would just not listen to me. She screamed at me. She was unreasonable.”
He broke down. He sat down on the couch, the palms of his hand holding his eyes, shielding those tears…she panicked. She had never seen him so emotional about Ma. She wanted to hold his hands, she wanted to wipe away his tears, tell him she understood him. But she could not bring herself to. Then she heard Ma’s screams.
10 long years Ma had suffered because of him. And today, Anjali wanted to know why.
She waited and watched as he wiped away those tears. He knew it was his judgment day too. He sat erect. And he started speaking. She listened as he spoke. In the same calm, placid manner as always…the tone he used when he introduced her to the wonders of the English language. He was choking with emotion, he broke down in between but she remained calm, listening to those words she always knew would come one day. And here when she was listening to them, she felt like she was not a part of the story. Here she was just an observer. It was a man redeeming himself. Absolving himself of the crime he knew he had committed. And the long torturous punishment he had endured. This was his day of deliverance.
He stopped, lifting his head to look at her with those eyes she had seen only strength in. She could see the pain now and the relief.
“I really loved your mother, Anju, I really did”
She walked out of the door, softly, never to return.
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